How our world got a little bit smaller and a WHOLE LOT BRIGHTER!!

Marlton 4th of July Parade

Leading up to the summer of 2017 I wanted to do something BIG! I wanted our family to get out and see the world. Problem is we had very little summer savings. As I’m sure you can guess, no money equals no “world seeing”!

Then I saw a post on social media looking for a host family for a bunch of students from Spain in our area. I remember a lady that I used to work with who told me a story of how she took in some exchange students from China. She told of stories of how it positively changed the course of her whole family. My thinking was if we can’t afford to go see the world, then we can bring a little of the world to us in the form of a Spanish exchange student. I thought it was such an amazing idea. So, I got to work right away.

My first job was to sell this idea to my wife. I have lots of crazy ideas and to her credit she usually goes along with most of them. She did see the same post that I did but I believe she dismissed it is something that is interesting but perhaps not for us. (Perhaps…that left the door open, right?!)

She had lots of questions as you can imagine. What if they don’t get along with our kids? What if they don’t fit in with our family? What if they don’t like our food or don’t follow our rules? What if things don’t go well? Of course, our minds went crazy with all the worst-case scenarios. Then we started asking some positive questions too. What if things go great? What if they get along great with our kids? What if this experience changes our lives forever?

I think we got to do just about everything South Jersey had to offer!

So, I contacted the coordinator and asked some of our questions. She assured me that she would do the best she could to match us up with someone who was compatible with our family. She sent us some letters from some of the boys that were looking for host families. (we have 3 boys, 2 teenagers at the time and we figured bringing a girl into our family mix would not be a good idea – 😉). When we started to look through the letters, my wife and I became completely hooked on the idea.    

Next job was to convince our boys.  When we first brought the idea up to them, not one of our boys thought it was a good idea. Once we were armed with the letters from the prospective Spanish students it was much easier to convince our boys that this was a good idea.  

So how did it go? He stayed with us for four weeks. On his last day it was my job to bring him to the drop off spot so that they can take him to the airport. So, I did what any tough American man would do in my shoes…I had my wife take him because I was a crying, sniffling mess. It was so sad to say goodbye but that showed how much him being here meant to us all.

Philadelphia Union Game

Over the year we stayed in touch through facetime and instant messenger.  In the summer of 2018, his whole family came and stayed with us for two weeks. We did the whole South Jersey, North Jersey, Philly, and NYC tour. The whole trip felt a bit magical to me. I remember one night of their stay more than anything.  It felt surreal sitting around the kitchen table discussing politics, school, friends, electronics…  

Our two families meeting for the first time in Central Park.

What did we learn about them? We learned that they are nothing like us. In Spain they must deal with kids who don’t like doing their homework and use their devices too much. They have sassy teenagers who are quick to challenge adults and don’t always get along with their siblings. They also have political leaders who are completely out of touch with what it is like to be a citizen of their own country.  Hopefully you’ve picked up on up on my sarcasm.

We are separated by 3600 miles and one of the biggest oceans on our planet. When it comes to our daily struggles, our dreams, morals and goals for our family, we are very much the same. We may look different and speak a different language, but we are similar in many more ways than we are different! Most importantly, we laugh and love in the same way!

I am proud to say that I now have an American family and a Spanish family. And that is how our world has gotten a little bit smaller and a whole lot brighter.

Saying good bye to his little buddy!!

My wife is helping to bring 15 French students to the South Jersey area for 3 weeks this summer. If you would be interested in being a host family or know someone who might be, please contact her at compassusa.beccahousel@gmail.com

Using middle ground to help your kids and students.

I have been hearing about “middle ground” all my life.  I have been finding lately that I have come up against a couple of situations that involve middle ground.  Please consider this; maybe you’re not 100% correct and if you’re not 100% correct then maybe that person that you completely disagree with is not 100% incorrect.  Maybe they are more like 97% incorrect 😉!  Admitting this may be bigger progress then we think.  Here are two ways I applied the principle of middle ground to my life lately and some points to remember when kids are disagreeing with each other.

**Please remember**

·         Kids who are arguing respectfully need to be allowed to do so.  Often us adults try to intervene when we are not needed.  (I find myself trying to remember to not interfere especially at home)

·         Let them figure it out whenever possible.  If no one is being hurt physically or emotionally, LET THEM GO!!!! 

Middle Ground – Parenting situation - I have three sons.  Occasionally they don’t all get along (by occasionally, I mean, they make my wife and I insane and give us grey hair at times – my eye twitches a little just thinking about it) 

Recently I had a situation that needed intervention.  One of my older sons hit my youngest son and then you probably know what happens next.  Screaming, crying, rolling… Instead of coming into the room and “cracking skulls” like my dad used to do and like I would wish I could do some days, I came in calm.  I surveyed the scene, asked some questions, and I listened.  On the surface, it appeared as though my youngest had been the victim of a horrible rhinoceros attack.  My guess was that rhino didn’t just run him over once, but repeatedly.  My other son was laissez-faire about the whole thing. In fact, he had completely absolved himself from any wrongdoing.  He was completely at peace with his brother rolling around on the floor and crying because he knows in his heart that he “barely touched him”.

ENTER the idea of middle ground HERE.  I can see no bleeding, no red marks, no visual signs of a repeated rhino attack or freight train accident in the toy room.  I also have a hunch that if my older son’s actions were as gentle and peaceful as he’s making them out to be there wouldn’t be such an issue at this point.  Provided that I didn’t have an Academy Award “actor to be” on my hands and that I believed that both parties were at least presenting some facsimile of the truth, my only conclusion was… It had to be something in the middle.  (Your knowledge of your kids/students will hopefully guide you at this point)

This was most likely a case of my youngest son’s feelings being hurt more than his body.  The fact that my oldest was showing zero remorse probably only made the situation worse.  So… I started with the oldest because he was the least agitated at that point. Without judgment, or sarcasm (which is tough for me), I led my son to admit that maybe he hit his brother a little bit harder than he initially perceived because he is a lot older.  Having heard the concession, my younger son seemed to be much more agreeable to admit that maybe it wasn’t quite as hard as he was portraying.  I got them to agree on something small and my job was done.  BOOM!  CUE THE MUSIC. CLASSIC MIDDLE GROUND SITUATION!  I left the room.  Very shortly after, everybody was playing, everyone was happy, and I was “Dad of the Day” for about 6 minutes until the next crisis arose!

Middle Ground - School situation - How many times do we tell our students and children things like “use your words” or “it’s not what you say but how you say it”? 

Here is a middle ground situation that came into play with my students.  Student #1 one comes over with hurt feelings because of how student #2 spoke to them.  Student #1 tells a tale of a rude, crude, obnoxious attempt of being told they were out of a game.  Student #2 points out how they were clearly trying to be helpful, caring, and looking out for the best interest of student #1.  In fact, it was reenacted in a low, calm, almost angelic voice.  

There were some red flags here.  (lots actually)

1.  They were playing a game of knockout.  It’s loud - people get out - that’s what you signed up for - it’s in the name of the game.

2.  I knew student #1 for a long time and the child is very caring and emotional and can get their feelings hurt rather easily at times.

3.   I knew student #2 for a long time as well.  That child is confident and strong in their beliefs and never shies away from letting others know their opinion.  I had never known this student to use a calm, angelic voice in the middle of a game like that. (EVER!)

With a tiny bit of intervention, they came to a quick agreement that, in the heat of the game it wasn’t quite as “obnoxious” or “angelic” as either one of them were hinting at.  Classic middle ground!!  Step away.  Let them talk.  Pretty soon everyone is friends again.  Playing.  Smiling. Laughing.

In a lot of situations I think there is a line somewhere between kids struggling with getting feedback from their peers and the old Chinese proverb that says, “never use a hatchet to remove a fly from a friend’s forehead”.  In sport/game situations, I always try to remind my kids/students to focus on what people are saying and not how they are saying it.  I try to get them to ask themselves questions like, is this person angry at me or are they just trying to win?  That’s tough advice because things get crazy in the heat of the game and so much of our communication is nonverbal.

Making middle ground work for you.

These were two situations where the impasse/the divide/the communication gap between two students or siblings was deemed too big for them to overcome at the moment.  As I mentioned above, I try not to step in whenever possible.  In these two situations, I stepped in for the mere goal of getting them to at least agree on something.  Giving them a starting point seemed to work in both situations because after the middle ground was found a productive problem-solving conversation took place.  

Once you get them to agree on one small point, then slip away.  They will be left to do all the work.  The work that they do will be far more beneficial than any help we can give!  I usually try to move away and watch or listen casually to make sure things go well.  Follow up later and ask how their conversation went.  If you are impressed with how they solved the situation, make sure you tell them.  

An approach like this takes time, practice, patience, and guidance on our part.  Sometimes it may be  easier to just start yelling, solve it for them, or seperate them.  (And yes - Sometimes they need a break from each other just as much as we need it)  It's not always easy to take an approach like this because of time restraints and frustration levels from the constant issues that arise.  However, when you get them talking in a positive productive way, positive things are going to happen.  

Were these two situations easy to solve?  In and of themselves, both issues were relatively easy to solve.  

Will all situations be so easy to solve?  🤣 Wouldn’t that be nice?

Have I come up with a new theory on middle ground?  Absolutely not!

Would this world be a better place if we all tried a little harder to find a little more middle ground? I’m certain it would.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog.  I really hope you enjoyed it and find it to be helpful.  Please share any thoughts on middle ground that you have found to be helpful with your children or students.  I would love to hear about them.  Make today great and keep moving!

Were we as tough as we thought?

Picture created by my AMAZINGLY talented brother Eric Housel

“We have tried so hard to give our kids what we didn’t have, that we failed to give them what we did. “

- Unknown Author (at least to me)

Have you ever wondered if your walk to school was really two miles uphill both ways or if that's even geographically possible?  And were you really walking through 3 feet of snow while carrying your sister on your back with holes in your shoes?   

Us adults like to tell stories, just like our parents did.  Our brains like to draw connections between the past and the present to try to make sense of it all.  So, we tell stories of how tough we used to be and how tough we “had it”.  It always seems to circle back to how weak the current generation is.  

Maybe some of the stories that we hold true about our childhood are just that, stories!  It was obviously a different time. We were outside exploring our world constantly.  I remember getting up early, leaving the house, and not coming home all day.  We rode our bikes or walked everywhere.  We played games in the neighborhood like manhunt, soccer, football, and street hockey.  When we were bored, we invented games.  We used our imaginations.  We had no cell phones, no computers, no tracking devices.  My parents thought they had a general idea where we were most of the time, and that was good enough.   

Why did we do all that?  Because were tough?  I am going to attempt to shed some light on the fact that maybe (just maybe) we were not as tough as we thought.  If that's even remotely true, then maybe this generation is not as weak as they seem.  

Reasons that we might not have been as tough as we thought

• There was no central air for us; If we had it, perhaps we would have not been so eager to get out into the world.

For me, growing up in the 80’s, the only place more unbearable than being outside in the heat of the summer was being inside our family home.  If your house was like mine and most that I knew, you had no central air conditioning.  In fact, most people I knew had one space air-conditioner that did one room of their house.  (Usually a parent's bedroom) Our space air conditioner was in our 100 square-foot den.  The more time you spent in the cool air of that room the harder it became to leave it.  Conversely the more time I spent with all four of us cramped in one room, the more insane I would become and the more I would need to get outside.  I remember vividly wanting to beat a new Atari game so bad that I sat in my room playing it with sweat pouring down my face until I couldn’t stand it anymore, gave up and went outside.   

• Our video game technology was better outside of the house.

Our generation invented playing video games.  I remember when Pong came out.  I couldn’t BELIEVE that I could hold a controller in my hand that would allow me to control something on my TV screen.  It was absolutely mind blowing!  As the technology grew from Pong to Atari to Intellivison to ColecoVision to Nintendo, my playtime with devices grew as well.  Early in the video game craze, the best games were ALWAYS at the arcades, pizza places, and burger joints.  Our games at home paled in comparison.  We would beg, borrow, and steal as many quarters as we could and head off on our bikes in search of our favorite video games.  (Do you remember lining the machine with quarters?) Were we addicted to video games like this generation?  I know I was at times and it seemed a lot of my friends were as well.  Eventually the quarters would run out, as would our interest in the games.  Then it would be time to find something new to do which usually was a sport or active game of some sort.

• Even watching TV is easier today than when we were kids.

Remember how we used to watch TV?  We had a big channel changing box attached by a wire to the back of the TV.  There were 13 choices in each of 3 rows of channels which gave us a maximum of 39 channels.  If we wanted to change the channel we had to get up and walk over to the TV.  Some kids could stretch the wire of the box to where they were sitting.  We weren’t allowed to do that in my house because of some unfounded parental threat that we would somehow break the box or the TV.  (kind of like, “you’re gonna shoot your eye out!”)  Today we have 900 or more channels.  Most of us probably only watch ten of them but we do have 890 others just in case.  When we want to change the channel, we not only can use our remote, but now we can even use our phones or our voices.  Does the fact that we had to get up to change the channel make us inherently tougher?  Probably not!

• The safety of our world was not broadcast on every TV, computer, device, and social media outlet. 

When we were kids, we didn’t even lock our doors!  We had the freedom to get out and explore our world and figure out who we were.  We were equipped with some basic safety tips such as don't; talk to strangers, take anything from strangers, accept rides from strangers, and when in doubt, RUN!  The biggest safety tip in my house was you better be home by the time the street lights came on or you better somehow avoid my Dad on your way into the house!    

Did we do all our exploring because we were tough or because we could?  

Looking back and connecting the dots, it was never clearer for me how much the news and information about our world had changed than watching OJ's White Bronco speed down the Los Angeles Freeways.  24-hour news stations helped to scare a lot of parents into keeping their kids as close as possible.  Then you add the internet, smart devices, social media and the constant bombardment of negative images of our world and it's no wonder these kids are no longer free to explore. 

My thinking is that the safety of our world hasn't changed as much as we think.  This world is a crazy place where crazy things happen, have always happened, and will always happen.  Crazy things were happening every day in the 80's.  One of the biggest differences in my opinion was something terrible could have happened in Minnesota and we might have never heard about it in New Jersey.  In today's world, not only will we hear about it almost instantly, but we get to see live footage of the incident at the scene and if we are lucky, we may even get to see the getaway car being chased by police.  

And what are we left with?  A generation of kids that are “free” to explore their world from behind a 6-foot vinyl fence in their backyard, but only if their parents are watching.     

• We were a product of our generation and circumstances.

“I recognize that I have no way of knowing that had I lived another person’s life I might talk and act exactly the same way”.  
- Hal Elrod, Author of Miracle Morning

My best friend is the 9^th of 9 kids in his family.  He was the kind of kid that was lugging around cinder blocks and firewood from the time he was old enough to walk.  Before school he would have to milk cows and chase chickens.  I remember him telling me a story about the time he asked, “what’s for lunch” and his mom replied, “there’s a tomato in the garden, get out there and make it yourself!”  We were born 3 weeks apart and lived 5 miles away.  Did I have to grow up being cinder block carrying-tomato in the garden-milk the cows before school-tough?  Not even close.  He used to joke with me about how easy I had it growing up and he was right in most ways.  He was a product of his circumstances, as much as he was a product of his generation.      

I was just a kid from Toms River, NJ trying to figure it all out.  I was no more a product of my circumstances and generation than our kids are of theirs.  Did we have things easier than our parent’s generation?  In my opinion, MOST DEFINITELY!  Did we have it better than our parent’s generation?  I truly believe that we did.  

So what about this generation? 

I wonder if this generation will look back on their lives and think that they “had it” better than us.  Sadly, I doubt it.  My 17-year-old son has said on many occasions that he wished he grew up in my era before all the technology that he has.   

I truly feel sorry for this generation and the cards that they have been dealt.  They have traded in a bike and a ball for a device and an Xbox.

• Their houses are bigger.
• Their air conditioning is better. 
• Their video games blow away any games that we could have ever imagined at the time.
• Their devices can pull up any image or information they choose at any time.  These devices can play music, turn on lights, and answer any question they can think of just by talking to them.  (Captain Kirk was the only person I knew of that could do that!)
• And OF COURSE, they don't even have to stand up and walk over to the TV to change the channel.

Imagine it’s 1983 – you wake up at 12:35pm - It’s 95 degrees out – It’s 68 degrees in your house – Your iPhone is sitting next to your bed – your TV remote and video game controller are sitting there too – You have access to 900+ channels and the best video games known to man - Every friend that you have ever known is one snap, facetime chat, or text away – You can see what your friends did and who they were with last night without even speaking to them.  Are you going to be in a big rush to find your friends, stay out all day and come home when the street lights come on?  I don’t think I would be.  In fact, I’m certain I wouldn’t.       

I think “our toughness” that we allude to so often had a lot more to do with the cards we were dealt than how tough we were.  I think it had a lot more to do with having no other choices and not knowing any other way.  Did we have to be tougher because of some of our circumstances, I guess.  Did we live that way because our intent was to be tough?  I don’t think so. 

We have questioned their teachers and yelled at their coaches and set up their play dates.  We tell them that they’re always safe at first base, no one ever loses, and everyone gets a trophy no matter what.  We get out in front of any kind of possible failure we can perceive and remove it before it happens.  We have shielded them from taking responsibility for their actions.  We have micromanaged every second of their day and then we wonder why they can’t solve problems on their own.  We’ve bailed them out every chance we get, and we wonder why it’s so easy for them to quit.  And then…AND THEN…we wonder why they are not as tough as we would like them to be.

Everyone I speak with seems to be accusing this generation of kids for not being tough enough, yet not as many seem to be questioning the toughness of our generation of parents.  If we don’t think this generation is tough enough it’s because we haven’t pushed them to be!  We have given them everything they will ever need to stay at home and live a secluded, sedentary lifestyle.  We have enabled this generation to become exactly what they are and then we have THE NERVE to call them weak.  

I have two wonders, a HUGE HOPE, and one final thought;

I wonder if there was ever a generation in American history that was brought up so differently than that of their parent's generation. 

I wonder if there were adults in every generation that wondered the same thing as me.

My HUGE HOPE is that at some point we look back on this time, and we will wonder how we got it so wrong, and we will have a society that is ready and willing to fix it.

My final thought is, if we are looking to place blame on why our kids are not tough enough, then the first place we need to look is in the mirror!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.  I would LOVE to hear your comments.  If you are interested in receiving our blog in your email PLEASE SUBSCRIBE!

Make today GREAT and KEEP MOVING!  

If you are interested in examining more on this topic, please check out Simon Sinek’s talk on “Millennials in the Workplace”.  I think he is brilliant, and he is my absolute FAVORITE motivational speaker!  His connection between smoking, drinking, gambling, and social media is both scary and fascinating.  His insights go along with a lot of the points that I tried to make in my blog. 

Time to stop letting kids pick their own teams! Some ideas for picking teams.

Pssst...1950 called and said it is time to stop allowing kids to pick teams in adult organized situations. 

Can you imagine being eight years old and having two of your peers pick everyone in your class before you?  Now imagine you’re the last one left and the two captains have the "you can just have him on your team" discussion or better yet they argue about not wanting you on their team!  So not only does neither team want you, but they really don’t even want you to play.  Besides renting a flashing billboard that says "we don’t want you here", is there anything you can think of that could push a child’s self-esteem lower than that in front of their peers?

There’s a lot of people that will complain that we’re trying to change too many things and we’re losing who we are.  I can't disagree with that on A LOT of levels, but picking teams is NOT one of those things that we need to hold onto.  As camp counselors, teachers or anyone who works with kids, we are responsible for planning for the physical, social, emotional, and cognitive well-being of the people in our charge.  We are looking out for EVERYONE'S well being, not just the athletic, popular ones.  This has been going on so long that some people probably haven't even analyzed the effect it could have on a child's self esteem.  

When people find out I'm a PE teacher, I am always faced with EXTREMELY strong feelings.  When it comes to people recalling their childhood memories of physical education, they loved it, they hated it, but very rarely will they be indifferent about the situation. Why?  Because they were exposed for all to see and not always in a fair way.  I grew up in a time when physical education is where the strong got stronger, and the weak were pushed to the side.  Do you remember being out first, picked last, and 25 people watching you attempt to climb a rope.  (Was there really nothing else they could think of having us do, then have 25 people watch one classmate climb a rope?)  Your success and failure were on display for all to see.   

When I was a physical education major at William Paterson University, I was fortunate enough to have Dr. Virginia Overdorf who challenged us in a way that has never left me.  She asked us how many people in our class were picked last in phys ed or on the playground on a consistent basis.  We were asked to stand up if this were true.  We were in a room of PE Majors; most of us were former high school or current college athletes so as you could imagine none one of us stood up.  We were the ones picked first or second or we were the captain who picked the teams.  She challenged us to look out for all of our kids regardless of their experience, skill, or interest level. 

Here are some ideas for picking teams - In school I only get to see my kids for 45 minutes a week, so I move very quickly when it comes to picking teams.

• Pre-plan the teams - write them down, and quickly read them off. 

• Use a randomizer like Team Shake or Class Dojo (You can even program some of these apps to have desired outcomes such as keeping apart certain "friends" who become "unfriendly" when they are together. 😉😉)  More info on Team Shake

• Number off - 1's go here, 2's go there and you have two teams pretty quickly.  

• Number off 1-4 - I have found that kids love variety in a game.  If you have them number off by 4's, you can have the 1's and 2's play the 3's and 4's for the first round and then have the 1's and 3's be on a team for the next round.  

• Birthday months - With birthday months it's very possible to create uneven teams.  If you are concerned with uneven teams, call out birthday months and just have them stand.  Then quickly separate the standing people into teams that are as even as possible.

• Partner pick and divide - One of my personal favorites (a way of messing with the kids a little bit) is to have everyone find a partner and line up directly across from their partner so they are in two lines facing one another.  One line becomes one team in the other line because the other team so all partners have been broken up. Reasoning behind this is the kids normally hang out with students of the same interest levels and this is usually a really good way of breaking the kids up by skill level. 

• Cards - give everyone a card - Have them do a Survivor Style reveal.  You flip your card and it tells you which team your on.  You could do this with any kind of objects that you have lots of.  Just need to make sure that you have an equal amount of objects and students.

• Pinnies - Have them grab a pinnie out a bag without looking.  Whatever color pinnie they get, that's what team they are on.

• Here is a link from PE Central for some other ideas to pick teams.  

PE Central Team Picking Ideas 

The WHOLE SCHOOL RULE  

In my opinion, picking teams falls under the whole school rule.  I would rather have every kid in the whole school mad at me for not allowing them to pick teams, then to have one student be put in the position of not feeling wanted or welcome in our class!  Honestly, the kids just want to play, so the picking of the teams rarely becomes a big issue in my class.

The Caveat 

You have to love caveats!  It gives us all the chance to disclaim anything we just claimed!  So here is a caveat to allowing kids to pick teams.  

Us adults, in our infinite wisdom, have tried to micromanage every single minute of every single day for our children.  In some instances, we have tried to mull every single possible thing that can ever go wrong for them and fix it before it happens.  We need to understand that we are taking away valuable learning opportunities from our kids in doing so. 

If they pick teams at recess, and they are being respectful, let them be.  If you give them free time, then let it be free.  If they choose to pick teams, no matter how difficult that might be for you, it might be best to step away and let them figure it out for themselves.  It's an opportunity for them to grow.  The kid who is going to be picked last in this situation signed up for it.  They knew what they were getting into.  They knew how the teams would be picked and they chose to play anyway.  

A lot of times at recess, they have about 20 minutes to organize, mobilize, negotiate, figure captains, pick teams, decide rules and still have enough time to play.  It's actually extraordinary that kids are able to do that in such a short time especially in this age of video games, "smart" devices, and over organized sports.  Could you imagine what it would be like if you got a committee of 40 adults together and asked them to come up with a plan and implement it in 20 minutes?

If we step in, we send a message to the kids that what they were doing wasn’t good enough.

I sincerely hope this helps!  If you have any questions or comments please feel free to leave them below.  Make today GREAT and KEEP MOVING! 
_________________________________________

Mark Housel has taught countless 1000's of kids in 10 schools, 5 districts, and 3 different counties in NJ.  Housel has been a Health and PE Teacher for over 20 years in NJ.  He has a Bachelors in Exercise Science and a Masters in Education.  He is owner and CEO of Housel Fun & Fitness.  www.houselfitness.com  He is a also a workshop presenter and runs staff training for camps and schools.    

Tattling 101 Part TWO - My ABSOLUTE FAVORITE ways to deal with a tattling situation.

“You can’t be curious and angry at the same time.”

Seth Godin

As I mentioned in our last blog, 7 Tips to EMPOWER Kids to Solve Their Issues, the kids in our care have the POWER to take care of a lot of the issues that they deal with.  We have to encourage them to use their power as much as possible.  

When you’re dealing with any kind of tattling situation it’s important to see what the child’s “angle” is. Are they feeling hopeless, or helpless, or like they’re being bullied?  Are they simply just looking for someone to listen to them? Do they need advice?  Are they trying to get someone in trouble or even worse did they just make up what they’re tattling about?  The only way we’re going to know is if we listen.  Along with all the other parts we play in children’s lives, we also need to play the part of amateur psychologist when answering questions like these.  While I am no psychologist, here are some of the favorite tricks that I have found that have served me well over the years.

Figure out your role in the situation.  

Ask them this question.  “Are you looking for me to be an active listener or would you like some advice?”  (Got this from my dear friend and brilliant colleague, Paula Harrison, retired 4^th grade teacher at Jaggard School in Marlton, NJ.) – This works with my own kids too, but only when I can put my emotions aside, zip my lips, and listen.  

We want to be problem solvers for the kids SO BAD it hurts sometimes.  However, at times all the kids want from us is someone to listen and they’re off on their way.  This approach gives them that person who will listen and the power to decide whether they want to involve us or not.   

Best question I know of for a clear tattling situation.  

“Are you trying to help this person or get them in trouble?”  The looks on their faces at this point are very telling.  I love the moment when some kids either admit that they are trying to get them in trouble or even better, when they sheepishly walk away without answering or saying another word because they know they’ve been ousted.  I also love the look of shock I sometimes get.  It is the “how in the world can you be asking me that” look!  Most of the time the answer I get is that they are trying to help them. 

A couple of bounce back questions for them might be something to the effect of, “if you are trying to help them, then why are you talking to me and not them?” or “who do think would be a better person to talk to about this situation, me or them?”

Scenarios for kids who are guilty of the same offense for which they are tattling.  

This situation drips with irony doesn’t it?  (Insert kettle/pot joke here😆)  On many occasions I will have a child tell on someone for an offense that I have witnessed the tattler do themselves, sometimes on many occasions.  

Hit them with honesty. “It’s interesting that you are telling me that this behavior bothers you because I have witnessed you do that to others.”  I try to avoid the dreaded back and forth with students so if they deny that has EVER happened perhaps you can move to or start with a more subtle approach.

More subtle approach.  “This obviously is upsetting to you.  Can you do yourself a favor?  Please remember how this feels and promise yourself that you are NOT going to make anyone else feel this way.”  Very often they will defend themselves at this point with something like, “I wouldn’t do that!”  (I tend to nod on the outside and chuckle a bit on the inside!  That’s OK isn’t it?😉)

Comical approach.  “And YOU would NEVER do something like that, am I correct?”😲 I usually ask this with a lighthearted look and I usually don’t get an answer to this question.  I might get that look that tells me they know that they have been discovered.  I like this moment because it lets the child know that you are more aware of what’s going on then they may have given you credit for.  We have to know our audience on this one.  We have to be careful with sarcasm and jokes.  If you don’t think they will get it, then shy away from using it.  

Some questions to use to bounce the POWER back to the kids.

Hopefully these questions will help you gain more perspective into what’s going on and help lead to further ways to help you empower the kids to take charge of their situation.    

Why do you think they would do such a thing?  

Do you think you have done anything to make them act this way?  

What would you like to see happen?

How would you like me to help?

Want to baffle the kids?

Oh come on, you know you do!  Some of these kids mess with us all day long, can’t we mess with them a little bit?  Especially when we can align “messing with them” and their best interests.  They are so used to adults swooping in to handle their issues that is amusing to see their reaction when we don’t! 

When someone comes over and gives you tattle tale, empathize, sympathize, and maybe nod a little, but offer no words to help the situation.  A lot of times they’re hoping for you to storm over and take care of the situation while they get their popcorn ready for the show!  I have found that not offering any feedback usually leads to an awkward silence while they wait for me to deal with the situation.  (I have to admit I LOVE the awkward silence!)  When I don't say anything, the person usually gets back into the activities without another word.  Obviously, I try to keep an eye on the situation.

Want to further baffle them?

Empathize, sympathize with the person and then change the subject. Example; THEM “Sandy keeps making annoying noises.”  You “that must be very distracting to you…how’s your sister doing?”  The looks from the subject change are even better than the awkward silence! 

My intended message in both situations is, “I think you have what it takes to solve this on your own.”  I think it’s important in these instances to follow up later so that they see you care, that you were paying attention, and not just being aloof.   

For the negative thinker that can find a problem for any solution.

This is for that child who could make you rich if you charged them for every complaint they make.  Can also be for that child who is just waiting for that "certain" person to mess up, so they can come tell you all about it.

Give me one positive - Before they lodge their complaint, have them give you one positive about the person they are going to tattle on.  Some will walk away.  Most will give me a positive about them.  Getting them to reflect on a positive of their peer seems to take a bit of sting out of situation.   

What an incredible opportunity for you - Say something to the effect of, “what an incredible opportunity for you to practice getting along with someone you struggle to get along with.”  You can leave it at that or just remind them that we will deal with difficult people from now until the end of time.

When all else fails - This is for the kid that just can’t stop tattling about the same situation.  Perhaps something like this may help, “I have heard your complaint and while I am not going to do anything about it at this time, I am curious and excited to see how you are going to handle it.”  Done!  Follow up later with that student to see how it went.

I hope this helps.  If you have any suggestions that have worked for you, please feel free to leave it in the comment section below.  Until next time, choose to make today GREAT and KEEP MOVING!

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Mark Housel has taught countless 1000's of kids in 10 schools, 5 districts, and 3 different counties in NJ.  Housel is a workshop presenter and runs staff training for camps and schools.  He is also the proud owner of Housel Fun & Fitness, a traveling fitness business for kids.  www.houselfitness.com