Tattling 101 - Part ONE - 7 Tips to help EMPOWER kids to solve their issues!

"It's not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings."  Ann Landers                                                        

Every parent, teacher, camp counselor, or anyone who works with kids has to deal with dreaded tattletales.  There are times when I would gladly welcome nails on the chalkboard (or some lemon juice in my eye) over what I listen to on some days.  Here are some tips that will hopefully help in these situations. 

What kids need to understand is that they have the POWER to solve most issues they come up against with other kids.  The problem is, kids are so eager to give their power away.  Equally troubling is, a lot of adults are just as eager to take it from them.  The second a child walks over to an adult they are handing their power to handle their own issues over to that adult.  As adults we need to be mindful of listening and deciding how to give the power back to them as much as we can.  Once we take their power from them, we have stripped them of a possible confidence building learning opportunity.       
                                                                                          Difference between tattling and reporting                                 
Tattling is when someone comes over with an issue that they can probably solve themselves.  A lot of times these issues are trivial in nature.  Sometimes the reason they come to you is for some guidance on how to handle a situation, but a lot of times the intent is to get someone in trouble.  

Reporting or telling is when someone is in a more serious situation.  It is usually a situation where one is getting physically hurt, threatened, or something else that needs immediate adult intervention.  The intent with reporting is usually to get someone out of trouble.     

7 Tips for adults when dealing with a tattling situation. 

1. We need to listen and decide whether we think it's an issue that is reporting or tattling.  The key word is listen.  We need to listen to even the most chronic of tattletalers because we don’t want to dismiss a valid attempt for help.  Reporting situations is usually a drop-all-things-and-address-it-right-away-situation.  For tattling situations, I usually get everyone going on their next task and then address the situation.                                                                                   
2. We need to ask ourselves, is this a situation that we can bounce right back to the child?  Examples; He is giving me dirty looks, she is making annoying noises.  Use the oldest, most valuable question in the book.  Did you ask them to stop?  More often then I'd like, the answer is NO!  My next statement to them is usually something to the effect of "let me know how things turn out once you do ask them to stop".  This sends an important message to them; I care about the situation and I trust them to take care of it on their own.  Try to follow up with this student later in class.                                                                                                          A lot of times, kids will reply that they did ask them to stop.  Next obvious question is, did they stop?  Sometimes they will answer yes.  I may reply with something to the effect of, "good for you, sounds like you solved this issue all by yourself".  Sometimes the person who asked them to stop needs to give the situation a little time to see if what they said worked.  (usually more than the 5 second interval between asking them to stop and speaking to you)                                                                                       
3. Get into the habit of dealing with the child in front of you who is in the act of tattling.  A lot of times the "tattler" wants you to drop everything you’re doing and immediately go over and deal with the person they are telling on.  By dealing with the person in front of you and giving them tips/strategies, hopefully you are empowering them to take care of their own issue.  You can always recognize the true tattler at this point because they grow impatient with all the attention they are suddenly getting from you.  In other words, they are thinking "I was just hoping to get them in trouble and get back into the game".  When I sense this, I do try to stretch things out a bit!  (We have to have a little fun too!)  You are also sending the message that you’re not going to be forced into a knee-jerk situation without getting the facts you need.  Later in class I will often follow up with the original student to see how their situation worked out.  Sometimes, I will also address the other student involved later in the class as well if I feel the need to.                                                                             
4. Rule of 3 - I try to give my students a lot of different strategies to deal with annoyances.  If you ask most kids, they know these steps.  (Ask them to stop, move away, ignore them, change the subject, use an "I" message - I don't like it when you do that)  Unfortunately some kids seem to want to make their day better by making someone else's day worse.  If the student has tried at least three strategies to get someone to stop a behavior, even if it seems trivial, I usually step in at that point.  I will compliment the person who told me for using their strategies and bring over the other student for a little chat.  (Provided that I have gotten the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!)                                                                      
5. Sometimes an easy, quick, temporary fix to a tattling situation is to reply something to the effect of, "OK, I will keep an eye out for that".  I do this when it seems like a very minor infraction, we are pressed for time or it is something that I think is probably true.  This is also good when they are telling on someone who has difficulty taking responsibility for their actions.  I feel it is easier to "catch them in the act" than getting into a he-said-she-said-back-and-forth.  A lot of times I will see what the tattler/teller was talking about and call the second person over for a talk.                                                                                                           
6. Have a student-led conference.  (Try this at home too!)  Ask the student who has come over to you if they would like to go have a talk with the person that is bugging them.  Some teachers have a "conflict corner" set up in their classroom for this purpose.  When they are having these talks, I casually watch to make sure that they are being respectful.  In some situations I will actually position myself close enough to hear.  I used to spend so much time and energy trying to solve conflicts for kids.  What I have found is, a lot of times the kids come up with quicker solutions and they leave happier then when I am involved.  I wind up spending less time/energy, they have solved their own issue and all is right in their world.  (at least for that brief moment - PLEASE MAKE IT LAST!!)                                                            
7. Sometimes the best help you can give is not to help! 
               

I hope this is helpful.  If you have suggestions that have worked for you, please leave it in the comment section below.  Next week we are publishing Tattling 101 - Part TWO - My ABSOLUTE FAVORITE ways to deal with a tattling situation.

Make today GREAT and KEEP MOVING!   

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Mark Housel has taught countless 1000's of kids in 10 schools, 5 districts, and 3 different counties in NJ.  Housel is a workshop presenter and runs staff training for camps and schools.  He is also the proud owner of Housel Fun & Fitness, a traveling fitness business for kids.  www.houselfitness.com   

8 suggestions to get your child to WORRY ABOUT THEMSELVES!!!

Is your child always focused on other kids?  Do they focus on how others are playing, who they are friends with, or who is giving out dirty looks?  Some kids (and adults) let other people completely sabotage their mood and their day.  It's hard not to sometimes. 

Here’s some advice that may help.  I’ve been a PE Teacher for over 20 years and I see kids on a daily basis who allow other people to ruin their fun.  They get so wrapped up in how everyone else is playing, that they forget to have fun for themselves.  Here is what happens whey start focusing on other people;

1. They stop having fun.
2. They lose focus on the goals of the game.
3. Sometimes they were so intent on others following the rules, that they stop following the rules themselves.  (As a teacher that drives me crazy!)  

So how do we avoid this;

1. Try to refocus them on what the goal of the game or activity is.
2. When they are consumed by what others are doing, ask them if they’re having fun.  Hopefully they’ll be able to recognize the more time they spend concerned about what others are doing, the less fun they will have!
3. Point out how much fun the person they are worried about is having.
4. Help them to understand that there’s only one person that they can control in this world and that’s themselves.   Even if people are not treating them fairly, they have the power to control their their response, no matter how hard that may be. 
5. Give them a little spin on the old Rolling Stones song; you can't always get what you want, but you can always make the best of what you get.
6. If the person is really going out of their way to bother them, have your child ask them to stop, move away, and ignore them.  If they’ve taken these three steps, have them seek out an adults help.  Have them tell the adult something to the effect of, “I’ve tried these three steps and I was wondering if you have any advice for me.”
7. It's actually possible that your child is the one who owns the issue.  I have seen before where a child's perception of an issue is completely thrown off by hard feelings for others.  
8. Give them three words...WORRY...ABOUT...YOURSELF!

Hope this helps!  Make today GREAT and KEEP MOVING!!