Using middle ground to help your kids and students.

I have been hearing about “middle ground” all my life.  I have been finding lately that I have come up against a couple of situations that involve middle ground.  Please consider this; maybe you’re not 100% correct and if you’re not 100% correct then maybe that person that you completely disagree with is not 100% incorrect.  Maybe they are more like 97% incorrect 😉!  Admitting this may be bigger progress then we think.  Here are two ways I applied the principle of middle ground to my life lately and some points to remember when kids are disagreeing with each other.

**Please remember**

·         Kids who are arguing respectfully need to be allowed to do so.  Often us adults try to intervene when we are not needed.  (I find myself trying to remember to not interfere especially at home)

·         Let them figure it out whenever possible.  If no one is being hurt physically or emotionally, LET THEM GO!!!! 

Middle Ground – Parenting situation - I have three sons.  Occasionally they don’t all get along (by occasionally, I mean, they make my wife and I insane and give us grey hair at times – my eye twitches a little just thinking about it) 

Recently I had a situation that needed intervention.  One of my older sons hit my youngest son and then you probably know what happens next.  Screaming, crying, rolling… Instead of coming into the room and “cracking skulls” like my dad used to do and like I would wish I could do some days, I came in calm.  I surveyed the scene, asked some questions, and I listened.  On the surface, it appeared as though my youngest had been the victim of a horrible rhinoceros attack.  My guess was that rhino didn’t just run him over once, but repeatedly.  My other son was laissez-faire about the whole thing. In fact, he had completely absolved himself from any wrongdoing.  He was completely at peace with his brother rolling around on the floor and crying because he knows in his heart that he “barely touched him”.

ENTER the idea of middle ground HERE.  I can see no bleeding, no red marks, no visual signs of a repeated rhino attack or freight train accident in the toy room.  I also have a hunch that if my older son’s actions were as gentle and peaceful as he’s making them out to be there wouldn’t be such an issue at this point.  Provided that I didn’t have an Academy Award “actor to be” on my hands and that I believed that both parties were at least presenting some facsimile of the truth, my only conclusion was… It had to be something in the middle.  (Your knowledge of your kids/students will hopefully guide you at this point)

This was most likely a case of my youngest son’s feelings being hurt more than his body.  The fact that my oldest was showing zero remorse probably only made the situation worse.  So… I started with the oldest because he was the least agitated at that point. Without judgment, or sarcasm (which is tough for me), I led my son to admit that maybe he hit his brother a little bit harder than he initially perceived because he is a lot older.  Having heard the concession, my younger son seemed to be much more agreeable to admit that maybe it wasn’t quite as hard as he was portraying.  I got them to agree on something small and my job was done.  BOOM!  CUE THE MUSIC. CLASSIC MIDDLE GROUND SITUATION!  I left the room.  Very shortly after, everybody was playing, everyone was happy, and I was “Dad of the Day” for about 6 minutes until the next crisis arose!

Middle Ground - School situation - How many times do we tell our students and children things like “use your words” or “it’s not what you say but how you say it”? 

Here is a middle ground situation that came into play with my students.  Student #1 one comes over with hurt feelings because of how student #2 spoke to them.  Student #1 tells a tale of a rude, crude, obnoxious attempt of being told they were out of a game.  Student #2 points out how they were clearly trying to be helpful, caring, and looking out for the best interest of student #1.  In fact, it was reenacted in a low, calm, almost angelic voice.  

There were some red flags here.  (lots actually)

1.  They were playing a game of knockout.  It’s loud - people get out - that’s what you signed up for - it’s in the name of the game.

2.  I knew student #1 for a long time and the child is very caring and emotional and can get their feelings hurt rather easily at times.

3.   I knew student #2 for a long time as well.  That child is confident and strong in their beliefs and never shies away from letting others know their opinion.  I had never known this student to use a calm, angelic voice in the middle of a game like that. (EVER!)

With a tiny bit of intervention, they came to a quick agreement that, in the heat of the game it wasn’t quite as “obnoxious” or “angelic” as either one of them were hinting at.  Classic middle ground!!  Step away.  Let them talk.  Pretty soon everyone is friends again.  Playing.  Smiling. Laughing.

In a lot of situations I think there is a line somewhere between kids struggling with getting feedback from their peers and the old Chinese proverb that says, “never use a hatchet to remove a fly from a friend’s forehead”.  In sport/game situations, I always try to remind my kids/students to focus on what people are saying and not how they are saying it.  I try to get them to ask themselves questions like, is this person angry at me or are they just trying to win?  That’s tough advice because things get crazy in the heat of the game and so much of our communication is nonverbal.

Making middle ground work for you.

These were two situations where the impasse/the divide/the communication gap between two students or siblings was deemed too big for them to overcome at the moment.  As I mentioned above, I try not to step in whenever possible.  In these two situations, I stepped in for the mere goal of getting them to at least agree on something.  Giving them a starting point seemed to work in both situations because after the middle ground was found a productive problem-solving conversation took place.  

Once you get them to agree on one small point, then slip away.  They will be left to do all the work.  The work that they do will be far more beneficial than any help we can give!  I usually try to move away and watch or listen casually to make sure things go well.  Follow up later and ask how their conversation went.  If you are impressed with how they solved the situation, make sure you tell them.  

An approach like this takes time, practice, patience, and guidance on our part.  Sometimes it may be  easier to just start yelling, solve it for them, or seperate them.  (And yes - Sometimes they need a break from each other just as much as we need it)  It's not always easy to take an approach like this because of time restraints and frustration levels from the constant issues that arise.  However, when you get them talking in a positive productive way, positive things are going to happen.  

Were these two situations easy to solve?  In and of themselves, both issues were relatively easy to solve.  

Will all situations be so easy to solve?  🤣 Wouldn’t that be nice?

Have I come up with a new theory on middle ground?  Absolutely not!

Would this world be a better place if we all tried a little harder to find a little more middle ground? I’m certain it would.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog.  I really hope you enjoyed it and find it to be helpful.  Please share any thoughts on middle ground that you have found to be helpful with your children or students.  I would love to hear about them.  Make today great and keep moving!

Tattling 101 - Part ONE - 7 Tips to help EMPOWER kids to solve their issues!

"It's not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings."  Ann Landers                                                        

Every parent, teacher, camp counselor, or anyone who works with kids has to deal with dreaded tattletales.  There are times when I would gladly welcome nails on the chalkboard (or some lemon juice in my eye) over what I listen to on some days.  Here are some tips that will hopefully help in these situations. 

What kids need to understand is that they have the POWER to solve most issues they come up against with other kids.  The problem is, kids are so eager to give their power away.  Equally troubling is, a lot of adults are just as eager to take it from them.  The second a child walks over to an adult they are handing their power to handle their own issues over to that adult.  As adults we need to be mindful of listening and deciding how to give the power back to them as much as we can.  Once we take their power from them, we have stripped them of a possible confidence building learning opportunity.       
                                                                                          Difference between tattling and reporting                                 
Tattling is when someone comes over with an issue that they can probably solve themselves.  A lot of times these issues are trivial in nature.  Sometimes the reason they come to you is for some guidance on how to handle a situation, but a lot of times the intent is to get someone in trouble.  

Reporting or telling is when someone is in a more serious situation.  It is usually a situation where one is getting physically hurt, threatened, or something else that needs immediate adult intervention.  The intent with reporting is usually to get someone out of trouble.     

7 Tips for adults when dealing with a tattling situation. 

1. We need to listen and decide whether we think it's an issue that is reporting or tattling.  The key word is listen.  We need to listen to even the most chronic of tattletalers because we don’t want to dismiss a valid attempt for help.  Reporting situations is usually a drop-all-things-and-address-it-right-away-situation.  For tattling situations, I usually get everyone going on their next task and then address the situation.                                                                                   
2. We need to ask ourselves, is this a situation that we can bounce right back to the child?  Examples; He is giving me dirty looks, she is making annoying noises.  Use the oldest, most valuable question in the book.  Did you ask them to stop?  More often then I'd like, the answer is NO!  My next statement to them is usually something to the effect of "let me know how things turn out once you do ask them to stop".  This sends an important message to them; I care about the situation and I trust them to take care of it on their own.  Try to follow up with this student later in class.                                                                                                          A lot of times, kids will reply that they did ask them to stop.  Next obvious question is, did they stop?  Sometimes they will answer yes.  I may reply with something to the effect of, "good for you, sounds like you solved this issue all by yourself".  Sometimes the person who asked them to stop needs to give the situation a little time to see if what they said worked.  (usually more than the 5 second interval between asking them to stop and speaking to you)                                                                                       
3. Get into the habit of dealing with the child in front of you who is in the act of tattling.  A lot of times the "tattler" wants you to drop everything you’re doing and immediately go over and deal with the person they are telling on.  By dealing with the person in front of you and giving them tips/strategies, hopefully you are empowering them to take care of their own issue.  You can always recognize the true tattler at this point because they grow impatient with all the attention they are suddenly getting from you.  In other words, they are thinking "I was just hoping to get them in trouble and get back into the game".  When I sense this, I do try to stretch things out a bit!  (We have to have a little fun too!)  You are also sending the message that you’re not going to be forced into a knee-jerk situation without getting the facts you need.  Later in class I will often follow up with the original student to see how their situation worked out.  Sometimes, I will also address the other student involved later in the class as well if I feel the need to.                                                                             
4. Rule of 3 - I try to give my students a lot of different strategies to deal with annoyances.  If you ask most kids, they know these steps.  (Ask them to stop, move away, ignore them, change the subject, use an "I" message - I don't like it when you do that)  Unfortunately some kids seem to want to make their day better by making someone else's day worse.  If the student has tried at least three strategies to get someone to stop a behavior, even if it seems trivial, I usually step in at that point.  I will compliment the person who told me for using their strategies and bring over the other student for a little chat.  (Provided that I have gotten the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!)                                                                      
5. Sometimes an easy, quick, temporary fix to a tattling situation is to reply something to the effect of, "OK, I will keep an eye out for that".  I do this when it seems like a very minor infraction, we are pressed for time or it is something that I think is probably true.  This is also good when they are telling on someone who has difficulty taking responsibility for their actions.  I feel it is easier to "catch them in the act" than getting into a he-said-she-said-back-and-forth.  A lot of times I will see what the tattler/teller was talking about and call the second person over for a talk.                                                                                                           
6. Have a student-led conference.  (Try this at home too!)  Ask the student who has come over to you if they would like to go have a talk with the person that is bugging them.  Some teachers have a "conflict corner" set up in their classroom for this purpose.  When they are having these talks, I casually watch to make sure that they are being respectful.  In some situations I will actually position myself close enough to hear.  I used to spend so much time and energy trying to solve conflicts for kids.  What I have found is, a lot of times the kids come up with quicker solutions and they leave happier then when I am involved.  I wind up spending less time/energy, they have solved their own issue and all is right in their world.  (at least for that brief moment - PLEASE MAKE IT LAST!!)                                                            
7. Sometimes the best help you can give is not to help! 
               

I hope this is helpful.  If you have suggestions that have worked for you, please leave it in the comment section below.  Next week we are publishing Tattling 101 - Part TWO - My ABSOLUTE FAVORITE ways to deal with a tattling situation.

Make today GREAT and KEEP MOVING!   

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Mark Housel has taught countless 1000's of kids in 10 schools, 5 districts, and 3 different counties in NJ.  Housel is a workshop presenter and runs staff training for camps and schools.  He is also the proud owner of Housel Fun & Fitness, a traveling fitness business for kids.  www.houselfitness.com