Using middle ground to help your kids and students.

I have been hearing about “middle ground” all my life.  I have been finding lately that I have come up against a couple of situations that involve middle ground.  Please consider this; maybe you’re not 100% correct and if you’re not 100% correct then maybe that person that you completely disagree with is not 100% incorrect.  Maybe they are more like 97% incorrect 😉!  Admitting this may be bigger progress then we think.  Here are two ways I applied the principle of middle ground to my life lately and some points to remember when kids are disagreeing with each other.

**Please remember**

·         Kids who are arguing respectfully need to be allowed to do so.  Often us adults try to intervene when we are not needed.  (I find myself trying to remember to not interfere especially at home)

·         Let them figure it out whenever possible.  If no one is being hurt physically or emotionally, LET THEM GO!!!! 

Middle Ground – Parenting situation - I have three sons.  Occasionally they don’t all get along (by occasionally, I mean, they make my wife and I insane and give us grey hair at times – my eye twitches a little just thinking about it) 

Recently I had a situation that needed intervention.  One of my older sons hit my youngest son and then you probably know what happens next.  Screaming, crying, rolling… Instead of coming into the room and “cracking skulls” like my dad used to do and like I would wish I could do some days, I came in calm.  I surveyed the scene, asked some questions, and I listened.  On the surface, it appeared as though my youngest had been the victim of a horrible rhinoceros attack.  My guess was that rhino didn’t just run him over once, but repeatedly.  My other son was laissez-faire about the whole thing. In fact, he had completely absolved himself from any wrongdoing.  He was completely at peace with his brother rolling around on the floor and crying because he knows in his heart that he “barely touched him”.

ENTER the idea of middle ground HERE.  I can see no bleeding, no red marks, no visual signs of a repeated rhino attack or freight train accident in the toy room.  I also have a hunch that if my older son’s actions were as gentle and peaceful as he’s making them out to be there wouldn’t be such an issue at this point.  Provided that I didn’t have an Academy Award “actor to be” on my hands and that I believed that both parties were at least presenting some facsimile of the truth, my only conclusion was… It had to be something in the middle.  (Your knowledge of your kids/students will hopefully guide you at this point)

This was most likely a case of my youngest son’s feelings being hurt more than his body.  The fact that my oldest was showing zero remorse probably only made the situation worse.  So… I started with the oldest because he was the least agitated at that point. Without judgment, or sarcasm (which is tough for me), I led my son to admit that maybe he hit his brother a little bit harder than he initially perceived because he is a lot older.  Having heard the concession, my younger son seemed to be much more agreeable to admit that maybe it wasn’t quite as hard as he was portraying.  I got them to agree on something small and my job was done.  BOOM!  CUE THE MUSIC. CLASSIC MIDDLE GROUND SITUATION!  I left the room.  Very shortly after, everybody was playing, everyone was happy, and I was “Dad of the Day” for about 6 minutes until the next crisis arose!

Middle Ground - School situation - How many times do we tell our students and children things like “use your words” or “it’s not what you say but how you say it”? 

Here is a middle ground situation that came into play with my students.  Student #1 one comes over with hurt feelings because of how student #2 spoke to them.  Student #1 tells a tale of a rude, crude, obnoxious attempt of being told they were out of a game.  Student #2 points out how they were clearly trying to be helpful, caring, and looking out for the best interest of student #1.  In fact, it was reenacted in a low, calm, almost angelic voice.  

There were some red flags here.  (lots actually)

1.  They were playing a game of knockout.  It’s loud - people get out - that’s what you signed up for - it’s in the name of the game.

2.  I knew student #1 for a long time and the child is very caring and emotional and can get their feelings hurt rather easily at times.

3.   I knew student #2 for a long time as well.  That child is confident and strong in their beliefs and never shies away from letting others know their opinion.  I had never known this student to use a calm, angelic voice in the middle of a game like that. (EVER!)

With a tiny bit of intervention, they came to a quick agreement that, in the heat of the game it wasn’t quite as “obnoxious” or “angelic” as either one of them were hinting at.  Classic middle ground!!  Step away.  Let them talk.  Pretty soon everyone is friends again.  Playing.  Smiling. Laughing.

In a lot of situations I think there is a line somewhere between kids struggling with getting feedback from their peers and the old Chinese proverb that says, “never use a hatchet to remove a fly from a friend’s forehead”.  In sport/game situations, I always try to remind my kids/students to focus on what people are saying and not how they are saying it.  I try to get them to ask themselves questions like, is this person angry at me or are they just trying to win?  That’s tough advice because things get crazy in the heat of the game and so much of our communication is nonverbal.

Making middle ground work for you.

These were two situations where the impasse/the divide/the communication gap between two students or siblings was deemed too big for them to overcome at the moment.  As I mentioned above, I try not to step in whenever possible.  In these two situations, I stepped in for the mere goal of getting them to at least agree on something.  Giving them a starting point seemed to work in both situations because after the middle ground was found a productive problem-solving conversation took place.  

Once you get them to agree on one small point, then slip away.  They will be left to do all the work.  The work that they do will be far more beneficial than any help we can give!  I usually try to move away and watch or listen casually to make sure things go well.  Follow up later and ask how their conversation went.  If you are impressed with how they solved the situation, make sure you tell them.  

An approach like this takes time, practice, patience, and guidance on our part.  Sometimes it may be  easier to just start yelling, solve it for them, or seperate them.  (And yes - Sometimes they need a break from each other just as much as we need it)  It's not always easy to take an approach like this because of time restraints and frustration levels from the constant issues that arise.  However, when you get them talking in a positive productive way, positive things are going to happen.  

Were these two situations easy to solve?  In and of themselves, both issues were relatively easy to solve.  

Will all situations be so easy to solve?  🤣 Wouldn’t that be nice?

Have I come up with a new theory on middle ground?  Absolutely not!

Would this world be a better place if we all tried a little harder to find a little more middle ground? I’m certain it would.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog.  I really hope you enjoyed it and find it to be helpful.  Please share any thoughts on middle ground that you have found to be helpful with your children or students.  I would love to hear about them.  Make today great and keep moving!