Seth Godin
As I mentioned in our last blog, 7 Tips to EMPOWER Kids to Solve Their Issues, the kids in our
care have the POWER to take care of a lot of the issues that they deal
with. We have to encourage them to use their
power as much as possible.
When you’re dealing
with any kind of tattling situation it’s important to see what the child’s
“angle” is. Are they feeling hopeless, or helpless, or like they’re being
bullied? Are they simply just looking
for someone to listen to them? Do they need advice? Are they trying to get someone in trouble or
even worse did they just make up what they’re tattling about? The only way we’re going to know is if we
listen. Along with all the other parts
we play in children’s lives, we also need to play the part of amateur
psychologist when answering questions like these. While I am no
psychologist, here are some of the favorite tricks that I have found that have
served me well over the years.
Figure out your role
in the situation.
Ask
them this question. “Are you looking for
me to be an active listener or would you like some advice?” (Got this from my dear friend and brilliant
colleague, Paula Harrison, retired 4th grade teacher at Jaggard
School in Marlton, NJ.) – This works with my own kids too, but only when I can
put my emotions aside, zip my lips, and listen.
We want to be problem solvers for the kids SO BAD it hurts
sometimes. However, at times all the
kids want from us is someone to listen and they’re off on their way. This approach gives them that person who will
listen and the power to decide whether they want to involve us or not.
Best question I know
of for a
clear tattling situation.
“Are you trying to help this person or get them
in trouble?” The looks on their faces at
this point are very telling. I love the
moment when some kids either admit that they are trying to get them in trouble
or even better, when they sheepishly walk away without answering or saying
another word because they know they’ve been ousted. I also love the look of shock I sometimes get. It is the “how in the world can you be asking
me that” look! Most of the time the
answer I get is that they are trying to help them.
A
couple of bounce back questions for them might be something to the effect of,
“if you are trying to help them, then why are you talking to me and not them?”
or “who do think would be a better person to talk to about this situation, me
or them?”
Scenarios for kids who
are guilty of the same offense for which they are tattling.
This situation drips with irony doesn’t it? (Insert kettle/pot joke here😆) On many occasions I will have a child tell on someone for an
offense that I have witnessed the tattler do themselves, sometimes on many
occasions.
Hit them with honesty. “It’s
interesting that you are telling me that this behavior bothers you because I
have witnessed you do that to others.” I
try to avoid the dreaded back and forth with students so if they deny that has
EVER happened perhaps you can move to or start with a more subtle approach.
More subtle approach. “This obviously is upsetting to you. Can you do yourself
a favor? Please remember how this feels
and promise yourself that you are NOT going to make anyone else feel this way.” Very often they will defend themselves at
this point with something like, “I wouldn’t do that!” (I tend to nod on the outside and chuckle a
bit on the inside! That’s OK isn’t it?😉)
Comical approach. “And YOU would NEVER do something like that,
am I correct?”😲 I usually ask this with a
lighthearted look and I usually don’t get an answer to this question. I might get that look that tells me they know
that they have been discovered. I like
this moment because it lets the child know that you are more aware of
what’s going on then they may have given you credit for. We have to know our audience on this one. We have to be careful with sarcasm and
jokes. If you don’t think they will get
it, then shy away from using it.
Some questions to use
to bounce the POWER back to the kids.
Hopefully these questions will help you gain more perspective
into what’s going on and help lead to further ways to help you empower the kids
to take charge of their situation.
Why do you think they would do such a thing?
Do you think you have done anything to make them act this way?
What would you like to see happen?
How would you like me to help?
Want to baffle the
kids?
Oh come on, you know you do! Some of these kids mess with us all day long, can’t we mess with them a little
bit? Especially when we can align “messing with them” and their best
interests. They are so used to adults swooping
in to handle their issues that is amusing to see their reaction when we don’t!
When someone comes over and gives you tattle tale, empathize, sympathize, and maybe nod a little, but offer no words to help the situation. A lot of times they’re hoping for you to storm
over and take care of the situation while they get their popcorn ready for the
show! I have found that not offering any feedback usually
leads to an awkward silence while they wait for me to deal with the
situation. (I have to admit I LOVE the
awkward silence!) When I don't say anything,
the person usually gets back into the activities without another word. Obviously,
I try to keep an eye on the situation.
Want to further baffle
them?
Empathize, sympathize with the person and then change the
subject. Example; THEM “Sandy keeps making annoying noises.” You “that must be very distracting to you…how’s
your sister doing?” The looks from the subject change are even better than
the awkward silence!
My intended message in both situations is, “I think you have
what it takes to solve this on your own.” I think it’s important in these
instances to follow up later so that they see you care, that you were paying
attention, and not just being aloof.
For the negative thinker that can find a problem for any solution.
This is for that child who could make you rich if you charged
them for every complaint they make. Can
also be for that child who is just waiting for that "certain" person to mess up, so
they can come tell you all about it.
Give me one positive - Before
they lodge their complaint, have
them give you one positive about the person they are going to tattle on. Some will walk away. Most will give me a positive about them. Getting them to reflect on a positive of their peer seems to take a bit of sting out of
situation.
What an incredible opportunity for you - Say
something to the effect of, “what an incredible opportunity for you to practice
getting along with someone you struggle to get along with.” You can leave it at that or just remind them
that we will deal with difficult people from now until the end of time.
When all else fails - This is for the kid that just can’t stop tattling about the same
situation. Perhaps something like this
may help, “I have heard your complaint and while I am not going to do anything
about it at this time, I am curious and excited to see how you are going to
handle it.” Done! Follow up later with that student to see how
it went.
I hope this helps. If you
have any suggestions that have worked for you, please feel free to leave it in
the comment section below. Until next
time, choose to make today GREAT and KEEP MOVING!
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