Tattling 101 Part TWO - My ABSOLUTE FAVORITE ways to deal with a tattling situation.

“You can’t be curious and angry at the same time.”

Seth Godin

As I mentioned in our last blog, 7 Tips to EMPOWER Kids to Solve Their Issues, the kids in our care have the POWER to take care of a lot of the issues that they deal with.  We have to encourage them to use their power as much as possible.  

When you’re dealing with any kind of tattling situation it’s important to see what the child’s “angle” is. Are they feeling hopeless, or helpless, or like they’re being bullied?  Are they simply just looking for someone to listen to them? Do they need advice?  Are they trying to get someone in trouble or even worse did they just make up what they’re tattling about?  The only way we’re going to know is if we listen.  Along with all the other parts we play in children’s lives, we also need to play the part of amateur psychologist when answering questions like these.  While I am no psychologist, here are some of the favorite tricks that I have found that have served me well over the years.

Figure out your role in the situation.  

Ask them this question.  “Are you looking for me to be an active listener or would you like some advice?”  (Got this from my dear friend and brilliant colleague, Paula Harrison, retired 4^th grade teacher at Jaggard School in Marlton, NJ.) – This works with my own kids too, but only when I can put my emotions aside, zip my lips, and listen.  

We want to be problem solvers for the kids SO BAD it hurts sometimes.  However, at times all the kids want from us is someone to listen and they’re off on their way.  This approach gives them that person who will listen and the power to decide whether they want to involve us or not.   

Best question I know of for a clear tattling situation.  

“Are you trying to help this person or get them in trouble?”  The looks on their faces at this point are very telling.  I love the moment when some kids either admit that they are trying to get them in trouble or even better, when they sheepishly walk away without answering or saying another word because they know they’ve been ousted.  I also love the look of shock I sometimes get.  It is the “how in the world can you be asking me that” look!  Most of the time the answer I get is that they are trying to help them. 

A couple of bounce back questions for them might be something to the effect of, “if you are trying to help them, then why are you talking to me and not them?” or “who do think would be a better person to talk to about this situation, me or them?”

Scenarios for kids who are guilty of the same offense for which they are tattling.  

This situation drips with irony doesn’t it?  (Insert kettle/pot joke here😆)  On many occasions I will have a child tell on someone for an offense that I have witnessed the tattler do themselves, sometimes on many occasions.  

Hit them with honesty. “It’s interesting that you are telling me that this behavior bothers you because I have witnessed you do that to others.”  I try to avoid the dreaded back and forth with students so if they deny that has EVER happened perhaps you can move to or start with a more subtle approach.

More subtle approach.  “This obviously is upsetting to you.  Can you do yourself a favor?  Please remember how this feels and promise yourself that you are NOT going to make anyone else feel this way.”  Very often they will defend themselves at this point with something like, “I wouldn’t do that!”  (I tend to nod on the outside and chuckle a bit on the inside!  That’s OK isn’t it?😉)

Comical approach.  “And YOU would NEVER do something like that, am I correct?”😲 I usually ask this with a lighthearted look and I usually don’t get an answer to this question.  I might get that look that tells me they know that they have been discovered.  I like this moment because it lets the child know that you are more aware of what’s going on then they may have given you credit for.  We have to know our audience on this one.  We have to be careful with sarcasm and jokes.  If you don’t think they will get it, then shy away from using it.  

Some questions to use to bounce the POWER back to the kids.

Hopefully these questions will help you gain more perspective into what’s going on and help lead to further ways to help you empower the kids to take charge of their situation.    

Why do you think they would do such a thing?  

Do you think you have done anything to make them act this way?  

What would you like to see happen?

How would you like me to help?

Want to baffle the kids?

Oh come on, you know you do!  Some of these kids mess with us all day long, can’t we mess with them a little bit?  Especially when we can align “messing with them” and their best interests.  They are so used to adults swooping in to handle their issues that is amusing to see their reaction when we don’t! 

When someone comes over and gives you tattle tale, empathize, sympathize, and maybe nod a little, but offer no words to help the situation.  A lot of times they’re hoping for you to storm over and take care of the situation while they get their popcorn ready for the show!  I have found that not offering any feedback usually leads to an awkward silence while they wait for me to deal with the situation.  (I have to admit I LOVE the awkward silence!)  When I don't say anything, the person usually gets back into the activities without another word.  Obviously, I try to keep an eye on the situation.

Want to further baffle them?

Empathize, sympathize with the person and then change the subject. Example; THEM “Sandy keeps making annoying noises.”  You “that must be very distracting to you…how’s your sister doing?”  The looks from the subject change are even better than the awkward silence! 

My intended message in both situations is, “I think you have what it takes to solve this on your own.”  I think it’s important in these instances to follow up later so that they see you care, that you were paying attention, and not just being aloof.   

For the negative thinker that can find a problem for any solution.

This is for that child who could make you rich if you charged them for every complaint they make.  Can also be for that child who is just waiting for that "certain" person to mess up, so they can come tell you all about it.

Give me one positive - Before they lodge their complaint, have them give you one positive about the person they are going to tattle on.  Some will walk away.  Most will give me a positive about them.  Getting them to reflect on a positive of their peer seems to take a bit of sting out of situation.   

What an incredible opportunity for you - Say something to the effect of, “what an incredible opportunity for you to practice getting along with someone you struggle to get along with.”  You can leave it at that or just remind them that we will deal with difficult people from now until the end of time.

When all else fails - This is for the kid that just can’t stop tattling about the same situation.  Perhaps something like this may help, “I have heard your complaint and while I am not going to do anything about it at this time, I am curious and excited to see how you are going to handle it.”  Done!  Follow up later with that student to see how it went.

I hope this helps.  If you have any suggestions that have worked for you, please feel free to leave it in the comment section below.  Until next time, choose to make today GREAT and KEEP MOVING!

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Mark Housel has taught countless 1000's of kids in 10 schools, 5 districts, and 3 different counties in NJ.  Housel is a workshop presenter and runs staff training for camps and schools.  He is also the proud owner of Housel Fun & Fitness, a traveling fitness business for kids.  www.houselfitness.com   

Tattling 101 - Part ONE - 7 Tips to help EMPOWER kids to solve their issues!

"It's not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings."  Ann Landers                                                        

Every parent, teacher, camp counselor, or anyone who works with kids has to deal with dreaded tattletales.  There are times when I would gladly welcome nails on the chalkboard (or some lemon juice in my eye) over what I listen to on some days.  Here are some tips that will hopefully help in these situations. 

What kids need to understand is that they have the POWER to solve most issues they come up against with other kids.  The problem is, kids are so eager to give their power away.  Equally troubling is, a lot of adults are just as eager to take it from them.  The second a child walks over to an adult they are handing their power to handle their own issues over to that adult.  As adults we need to be mindful of listening and deciding how to give the power back to them as much as we can.  Once we take their power from them, we have stripped them of a possible confidence building learning opportunity.       
                                                                                          Difference between tattling and reporting                                 
Tattling is when someone comes over with an issue that they can probably solve themselves.  A lot of times these issues are trivial in nature.  Sometimes the reason they come to you is for some guidance on how to handle a situation, but a lot of times the intent is to get someone in trouble.  

Reporting or telling is when someone is in a more serious situation.  It is usually a situation where one is getting physically hurt, threatened, or something else that needs immediate adult intervention.  The intent with reporting is usually to get someone out of trouble.     

7 Tips for adults when dealing with a tattling situation. 

1. We need to listen and decide whether we think it's an issue that is reporting or tattling.  The key word is listen.  We need to listen to even the most chronic of tattletalers because we don’t want to dismiss a valid attempt for help.  Reporting situations is usually a drop-all-things-and-address-it-right-away-situation.  For tattling situations, I usually get everyone going on their next task and then address the situation.                                                                                   
2. We need to ask ourselves, is this a situation that we can bounce right back to the child?  Examples; He is giving me dirty looks, she is making annoying noises.  Use the oldest, most valuable question in the book.  Did you ask them to stop?  More often then I'd like, the answer is NO!  My next statement to them is usually something to the effect of "let me know how things turn out once you do ask them to stop".  This sends an important message to them; I care about the situation and I trust them to take care of it on their own.  Try to follow up with this student later in class.                                                                                                          A lot of times, kids will reply that they did ask them to stop.  Next obvious question is, did they stop?  Sometimes they will answer yes.  I may reply with something to the effect of, "good for you, sounds like you solved this issue all by yourself".  Sometimes the person who asked them to stop needs to give the situation a little time to see if what they said worked.  (usually more than the 5 second interval between asking them to stop and speaking to you)                                                                                       
3. Get into the habit of dealing with the child in front of you who is in the act of tattling.  A lot of times the "tattler" wants you to drop everything you’re doing and immediately go over and deal with the person they are telling on.  By dealing with the person in front of you and giving them tips/strategies, hopefully you are empowering them to take care of their own issue.  You can always recognize the true tattler at this point because they grow impatient with all the attention they are suddenly getting from you.  In other words, they are thinking "I was just hoping to get them in trouble and get back into the game".  When I sense this, I do try to stretch things out a bit!  (We have to have a little fun too!)  You are also sending the message that you’re not going to be forced into a knee-jerk situation without getting the facts you need.  Later in class I will often follow up with the original student to see how their situation worked out.  Sometimes, I will also address the other student involved later in the class as well if I feel the need to.                                                                             
4. Rule of 3 - I try to give my students a lot of different strategies to deal with annoyances.  If you ask most kids, they know these steps.  (Ask them to stop, move away, ignore them, change the subject, use an "I" message - I don't like it when you do that)  Unfortunately some kids seem to want to make their day better by making someone else's day worse.  If the student has tried at least three strategies to get someone to stop a behavior, even if it seems trivial, I usually step in at that point.  I will compliment the person who told me for using their strategies and bring over the other student for a little chat.  (Provided that I have gotten the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!)                                                                      
5. Sometimes an easy, quick, temporary fix to a tattling situation is to reply something to the effect of, "OK, I will keep an eye out for that".  I do this when it seems like a very minor infraction, we are pressed for time or it is something that I think is probably true.  This is also good when they are telling on someone who has difficulty taking responsibility for their actions.  I feel it is easier to "catch them in the act" than getting into a he-said-she-said-back-and-forth.  A lot of times I will see what the tattler/teller was talking about and call the second person over for a talk.                                                                                                           
6. Have a student-led conference.  (Try this at home too!)  Ask the student who has come over to you if they would like to go have a talk with the person that is bugging them.  Some teachers have a "conflict corner" set up in their classroom for this purpose.  When they are having these talks, I casually watch to make sure that they are being respectful.  In some situations I will actually position myself close enough to hear.  I used to spend so much time and energy trying to solve conflicts for kids.  What I have found is, a lot of times the kids come up with quicker solutions and they leave happier then when I am involved.  I wind up spending less time/energy, they have solved their own issue and all is right in their world.  (at least for that brief moment - PLEASE MAKE IT LAST!!)                                                            
7. Sometimes the best help you can give is not to help! 
               

I hope this is helpful.  If you have suggestions that have worked for you, please leave it in the comment section below.  Next week we are publishing Tattling 101 - Part TWO - My ABSOLUTE FAVORITE ways to deal with a tattling situation.

Make today GREAT and KEEP MOVING!   

_________________________________________
Mark Housel has taught countless 1000's of kids in 10 schools, 5 districts, and 3 different counties in NJ.  Housel is a workshop presenter and runs staff training for camps and schools.  He is also the proud owner of Housel Fun & Fitness, a traveling fitness business for kids.  www.houselfitness.com   

8 suggestions to get your child to WORRY ABOUT THEMSELVES!!!

Is your child always focused on other kids?  Do they focus on how others are playing, who they are friends with, or who is giving out dirty looks?  Some kids (and adults) let other people completely sabotage their mood and their day.  It's hard not to sometimes. 

Here’s some advice that may help.  I’ve been a PE Teacher for over 20 years and I see kids on a daily basis who allow other people to ruin their fun.  They get so wrapped up in how everyone else is playing, that they forget to have fun for themselves.  Here is what happens whey start focusing on other people;

1. They stop having fun.
2. They lose focus on the goals of the game.
3. Sometimes they were so intent on others following the rules, that they stop following the rules themselves.  (As a teacher that drives me crazy!)  

So how do we avoid this;

1. Try to refocus them on what the goal of the game or activity is.
2. When they are consumed by what others are doing, ask them if they’re having fun.  Hopefully they’ll be able to recognize the more time they spend concerned about what others are doing, the less fun they will have!
3. Point out how much fun the person they are worried about is having.
4. Help them to understand that there’s only one person that they can control in this world and that’s themselves.   Even if people are not treating them fairly, they have the power to control their their response, no matter how hard that may be. 
5. Give them a little spin on the old Rolling Stones song; you can't always get what you want, but you can always make the best of what you get.
6. If the person is really going out of their way to bother them, have your child ask them to stop, move away, and ignore them.  If they’ve taken these three steps, have them seek out an adults help.  Have them tell the adult something to the effect of, “I’ve tried these three steps and I was wondering if you have any advice for me.”
7. It's actually possible that your child is the one who owns the issue.  I have seen before where a child's perception of an issue is completely thrown off by hard feelings for others.  
8. Give them three words...WORRY...ABOUT...YOURSELF!

Hope this helps!  Make today GREAT and KEEP MOVING!!